I knew it. Even you paired up.
Why do I foresee such things, this vision too cutting? too keen sometimes for my own happiness? too stark, too clear people mistake it for distrust?
Sometimes it disappoints to have the right assessments, especially about people. You wish things were otherwise. You wish you could at least be let down, indignant even, instead of accepting, understanding.
Even as you said with enthusiasm what could have been a pact midway as we were into our adolescence, I restrained myself, perhaps knowing you better than you knew yourself, perhaps seeing through the lie you wanted to believe for the sake of pride. I knew somehow that you were not the sort of person to take on solace. Perhaps it’s our tragic irony; that you in many ways are coming away from it, while I move towards it.
When you offered that pact I had feared my aloneness, feared going into Rilke’s universe on my own. I wanted, yearned, for someone to emerge and take up that path into the universe of solitude by my side. Naively, you offered company. I would have gladly taken up the offer, would have gladly walked hand in hand. But I knew intuitively that if I had enlisted your company, you would only have to resort to betraying the pact, to abandoning me. Between the two of us, you’re the one rooted to people while I am forever a drifter, a loose woman if I may inject a pun.
So here we are, you all paired up. I, here, not at all surprised. Perhaps a fraction wistful, but still wishing you the best of happiness possible. I have to go my way now, this road I choose (or is it an inevitability brought upon by my tendencies?). In any case, we have to go our ways. Already, the shared world we’ve been living in together throughout our childhood has come to pieces. It has shattered. We now leave the tangential point in our universes. Will we ever meet on similar footing again? Perhaps not. Here our biographies truly diverge, and we are no longer two sides of the same coin. You are you. I am me. I have to get going. May your sweetheart keep you. Always be well, sister.
